You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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