I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
