I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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