someone threw a dead crab at me
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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