it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
