New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Your penis caused this!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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