U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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