I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize