She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
