You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
