I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
