You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
