he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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