My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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