I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize