My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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