Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
