a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Randomize
