i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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