He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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