We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
