We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
