i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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