Sponge bath it is.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
