I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
