I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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