how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
