your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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