I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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