checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
