His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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