So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize