I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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