I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
