I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
this boner is exhausting
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize