Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
