Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
