Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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