i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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