I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
