If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
