My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
