Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
