My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
