I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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