I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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