Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
