I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
