I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
