Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
