My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
