How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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