The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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