This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
