It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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