You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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