so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Too much gin, very little bucket
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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