he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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