So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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