I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
