allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
