....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize