you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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