I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
