so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
