I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize