He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
sex in a hospital.. check
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
