My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
