Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
