I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
