I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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