DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
