i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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