Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
