So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Randomize
