I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
