I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
