so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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