She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
